Too Many Lemon Drops
by Arianae -Artemis- Kaaratan
Summary: Hermione's having guy-problems--Scratch that--the guys are having Hermione problems! A hysterical spoof of Hermione x every male in the Potter universe. R
1. Part I

Part I

The story so far:

Ron and Hermione had been going to the library alone recently, and never allowing Harry to come. The truth is that Ron and Hermione were researching something with which to surprise Harry (doesn't matter what it is), but, of course, Harry suspected something much different going on (wink)…..

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"I know!" exclaimed Harry enthusiastically to himself. "I'll go look it up in the library!" Excited he raced down the corridor, turned a corner, and stopped dead.

"AHHHHHH!" he screamed, then began pinching himself repeatedly. "I'm ow dreaming ow, ow dreaming…."

For in the library, half-hidden behind a row of books, Ron and Hermione were kissing.

At Harry's shriek, they pulled apart and faced him. "No, Harry!" they cried. "It's not what you think!"

"Suuuuuure," Harry growled. "Suuuure it's not."

"No, really, it was just his once, really Harry…."

"Ron," Harry exclaimed forcefully, "she's mine!"

"No!" Ron snapped back. "She's mine. Besides, she started it!"

"Really!" Hermione exclaimed indignantly, drew back her hand, and slapped Ron.

"See?" Harry teased. "She likes me better!"

"No!" came a new voice, and Ron's mouth dropped open, shcoked. "She's MINE!" declared Malfoy, entering the library.

"You think she's a mudblood!" sneered Harry. "She hatest you!"

"No, I beleeve Hermy-own likes me more zan all of you!" stated Viktor Krum as he flew by on his broomstick. "Laz zummer she says she likes me more—"

"I said no such thing!" Hermione shrieked.

"I'll fight you for her!" cried Malfoy. "All of you!"

"And so will I!" Ron declared, clenching his fist. "I was the one she kissed!"

"I will haff to hurt you if you touch Hermy-own," threatened Krum.

"She likes me," Harry shouted angrily, "because I was nice to her in her first year—unlike some people." He glared pointedly at Ron and Malfoy.

Harry, Ron, Malfoy, and Krum suddenly lunged at each other and started fighting viciously, Krum whacking the others into submission with his broomstick.

Suddenly they heard a voice that caused them all to freeze.

"Actually," said Albus Dumbledore calmly, "I believe she's mine." He turned and held out his hand to Hermione.

"Oh, Dumbey!" she cried, starry-eyed. "Of course, Dumbey!" She took his hand and together the guy-magnet and the old geezer left the library.

The end (of part I)

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Stay tuned, because the insanity continues! And don't forget to leave a review!


	2. Part II

The story so far:

Go back and read Part I if you want to know what happened, because if you're so lazy that can't even read them in order, then I'm certainly not going to tell you! If you already read Part I, well then, what in the name of Hitler's panties and matching bra set are you doing reading this?

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All four of the boys stood, unmoving, for at least two minutes. Then, suddenly, they were all released from their stupor with Malfoy's cry of "Kill Dumbledore!"

"Yeah!" they cheered in unison, and proceeded to march down the corridors chanting "Kill Dumbledore! Kill Dumbledore!" like classic mobs are wont to do (even grabbing torches from the walls in raising them in a menacing gesture).

They reached Dumbledore's office and didn't simply say the password (Fizzing Whizbees), but instead poked the gargoyle with the torches until it relented.

They paraded up the staircase and broke down the doors. Inside, Dumbledore and Hermione were leaning towards each other, several heavy books between them….

"STOP!" the mob cried, and Dumbledore looked up.

"OhI'mtoooldforbirthdayparties," he mumbled, then fell to the floor. Perhaps the menacing mob with torches bursting into his office was a little too much, or maybe he just had one too many lemon drops.

Hermion knelt beside Dumbledore's still form and felt for a pulse; her eyes widened in horror. "You killed him!" she sobbed. "I never even knew it was his birthday—he always was modest!"

Harry, Ron, Malfoy, and Krum weren't listening. "Vell, zat vas eazy," Krum said.

"Now what?" Harry asked. They stared at each other, then began to fight again, setting each other's hair on fire with the torches.

"Fine!" Hermione cried. "I'll go to Neville!"

"Neville!" Ron exclaimed incredulously, his falming red hair flaming (literally). "_Neville_?"

"_Not Neville?_"

"Who is zis 'Neville' of vhich you speak?"

Ignoring the boys' cries of horror, she turned to leave, then turned back.

"Did any of you realize that with Dumbey gone, You-Know-Who himself could—"

She was interrupted when Lord Voldemort walked in. Seeing Dumbledore, he took a to-do list out of his pocket and checked one off. Then he looked up and saw Hermione. He whistled.

"Hiya, friend of Harry. What's your name? I'm Tom!" He gave his most stunning smile.

Harry gasped in disbelief.

Hermione, however, smiled back. "I'm Hermione Granger," she told him, "but you can call me Hermy!"

Even Malfoy couldn't think of a thing to say.

The end

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